To My Son on Father's Day

How I wish you were here.

When I wake up this morning I would rather -
prepare you breakfast than take flowers to your grave,
learn together the birds in our backyard
than hear their chirps at your final resting place,
answer your zillion innocent queries
than be tormented by the dead silence of the night.

I prayed to God, before you were born that, unlike me,
you can become whatever you chose to be.
Little did I know you wanted to be free!

I remember your tiny fingers wrapped around my index.
I wished I could hold your hands as you take your first steps.
I was to protect you, provide for you, till you become self-reliant.
But the odds were against us.
Now, you are my little guardian angel.

I wanted you –
to do things that I couldn't,
to go places,
to be pure, and perfect.
Above all, I wanted you to have fun –
play soccer in the rain
or go camping with friends.

In my mind's eyes,
I have seen you score your first goal.
I see your little arms going up in jubilation and
your eyes searching for us in the stand.

So many books I read at night
but, can I ever read you one and kiss you goodnight?

Many such dreams that I had woven have withered.

I am sad, and at times mad -
what is father's day without you?

But, I thank God for giving you –
my best gift ever -
for you gave me the joy of fatherhood.
My misfortune didn’t let me fulfill my role.

I know you are in a better place now
but, in the dark of the night, as I write this,
I can't suppress my timid desire -
I just wish you were here!

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© 2008 Sanjoy Haldar